The month of January was exceptionally busy for me as I am preparing for my book release in May. It included a photo shoot, website creation, creating business cards and invitations….along with all of the other daily/weekly activities for myself and daughter. It felt like I was drowning but with a smile on my face. Crossing things off my list felt GOOT! There is more to do and I am up to the challenge.
Fear had me stuck without action inside my dreams for a long time. I made a conscious decision to try to let go of the fear, but even if I didn’t completely, I would still proceed with the hope that the fear will diminish. I can not and will not let fear cripple me any longer. I am still fearful but also excited for my future and the opportunities that will come my way. It’s time to make moves.
It’s been a while since my last blog…probably October and so much has happened in my life and in the world.
I have been going through a transition that has been coming for a bit over a year. I have been having fun, working hard, and giving self-care a serious stab. In my procrastination, I was hoping the situation would correct itself but it was really me putting off making a difficult decision. A huge weight was lifted off of me when I spoke my mind and I broke a chain that had been weighing me down. Within the next few months, my life will change and I’m looking forward to it. It’s really time for me to look out for self as I am ALWAYS caring for others but it’s my time. I have really learned to say no and to speak to existence what I want. I am no longer holding back and if it bothers you then….you’ll get over it.
I realized that love waits for no one so I have decided to act upon that. I want to be able to show my daughters to follow your heart and dreams. A closed mouth will definitely not be fed. I have begun to move forward with some of my ideas while continuing to write the breathings of my heart and mind.
Since my first rejection letter, I have received another. It didn’t sting as much as the first. I must keep writing.
Time really does repeat itself. We are currently living in the 60s
calls for justice
The amount of black killings is ridiculous and the amount of No True Bills from those killings is truly a pot full of sh*t. I am so tired of police/govt getting away with murder. My heart is heavy.
Social media has shown me people’s true feelings are about race matters and how white privilege blinds many (not that I didn’t already know that). The lack of compassion from our own and straight up racist remarks from other ethnic backgrounds is astonishing. Now people are entitled to their opinions, however your opinion will not silence me (us). If anything, we will fight harder, scream louder, and continue until all wrongs are righted and we have justice.
I am so proud of the youth for standing up for what they believe is right. It makes my heart smile. My 6-year-old has even talked to me about the injustice in the world and has shown her disapproval. Her take on the world at her age is amazing.
As I retire for the night, I would like to leave you with a quote and song that resonated with me……
“All you are ever told in this country about being black is that it is a terrible, terrible thing to be. Now, in order to survive this, you have to really dig down into yourself and recreate yourself, really, according to no image which yet exists in America. You have to impose, in face — this may sound very strange — you have to decide who you are, and force the world to deal with you, not with its idea of you.” ~James Baldwin
My Petition ~ Jill Scott http://youtu.be/n8uA3DMFPfk
Since I have moved back to Pgh, why is it every year from the end of Sept to right around March I feel like I am stuck in sink hole. Nothing I do helps with the way I feel. I do NOT like this feeling. It sucks the life out of me and all I want to do is lay in bed.
So in one of my relationships, I have noticed subtle changes in certain behaviors. I have mentioned it a few times but not dwelled on it, thinking maybe it’s just me or the person is just going through. However, things are tying together in a weird way and making more sense as the days come and go.
In the past I had a difficult time letting go of anger quickly and seemed to dwell on broken promises, hurtful words/deeds, and focusing on the wrong in my life. I had love all around me and couldn’t seem to shake hurt (whether it is publicly known or not).
Seems it’s the season for breaking up, Don’t know why we keep making up. Love come inside and live within me rent free. My longing is for you.
Some of today’s thoughts…..
I never will understand why people can’t take questions. Isn’t that how you learn? You ask questions.
Why are people so contradictive? If you don’t want something to happen to you then I feel it would be wise for you not to do it to others. What you put out in the universe is what is reciprocated.
We learn by doing but by the time you are a certain age you should put childish things aside.
I never will understand why people feel the need to continually lie. What is so bad about telling the truth. I know, I know….everyone lies. However, I feel that adults should act like adults and be honest in all aspects of life. Maybe I am too honest at times….who know.
Why is it easier people to judge others wen in actuality they probably should take a look in the mirror and begin there?
It kills me….people kill me
I am going into the 9th week of the Cave Canem Pittsburgh workshop and it has done so much for my writing and my fear. My fear has kept me from sharing my work with the world. At one time it was just me and my thoughts and although I wanted to share my work, I was afraid……afraid of rejection, afraid of my work being judged, afraid of being exposed. I had to come to a point where I realized that this is a gift from the Creator and if it wasn’t to be shared it would not have been given. I am not writing more, sharing more, and I am even getting ready to share my poetry with the known and unknown. Now, this is not saying that I am not nervous because it is scaring the bejesus out of me…LOL. Before I get up in class to read, my palms are sweating, my heart is racing like I just ran the 100m, my mouth gets dry, and my stomach rolls and rolls like I have the BGs. BUT I need to do this for ME. If I do not I will be stuck in this place of longing, timidness, and fear and we can’t have that, can we? So, I am pressing and enjoying my gift and all of the emotions that come with it.
Until next time…..
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.
(Thank you KSK!)
It’s so funny when others get an attitude with you because you are not living your life the way they want you to live it. If you have an issue with how I live, the things I do, and the way I raise my child then that is too damn bad. People kill me with their way is the correct way and you should be doing this, you should be doing that….I have an idea. It’s a brilliant idea!!! How about you worry about living your life and stop trying to live mine.
I am so tired of being judged by those close to me. It’s sickening. Just because we don’t agree about the same thing or see eye to eye doesn’t mean we can’t have the same level of communication. You being cold to me and not speaking to me doesn’t make me lose sleep at night. You holding a grudge does not hurt me. I will continue to live my life and communicate with the Creator the way I have been.
This morning I had the pleasure of cheering on my brother and sis in law in the Pittsburgh Half Marathon. They were in the sea of runners and made me so proud. My daughter and I were uber excited to see themas they ran up to us with open arms and kisses.
As I watched the runners and walkers do their thing, something struck me. i had an “a-ha” moment, if you will….I can do what they are doing. I can do MUCH more. Over the past few months, I have lacked motivation to do much of the work that needs done….personally and professionally. I know that some of it is due to my lack of happiness with my location, lack of funds, and just plain laziness. I am too young and have too many dreams to just sit by and watch my life pass me by.