Day Two – Hidden Trauma #write31days
October 2, 2014
When I was younger, I became a victim. I was molested and raped….molested at about 5 and raped at 15. I did not tell anyone until the age of 24/25. There were a series of dreams I began to have reliving both of those horrific experiences. It was like I put them in a locked safe in my mind until I felt I was ready to deal with them. I think that is exactly what happened. I faced them head on. So I went to talk to someone because I thought it was better to talk to someone unbiased first. It turns out that was not the case for me. First, the doctor was a woman BUT she was old and Caucasian. Not that I have any against white folks but there was a connection barrier and I felt she wasn’t getting it. She didn’t speak my language, to say the least, so I stopped seeing her.
I finally was able to tell my mother and she was devastated but understood why I chose to be alone in this. She was there when I needed her. I talked to others who experienced the same as I. I was angry. I took my anger out on those closest to me. I went to anger management. It helped. I began to love me more. I became more compassionate to those around me. I prayed. I listened more. I struggled. I survived. I became whole.
Looking back, I now understand why some of my actions occurred. Not excusing any of it….there were just unresolved issues. I needed an escape and instead of healthy verbal conversation, I performed contradictory acts.
When women keep the pain of unwanted acts against them inside, I understand. When others advise those women to seek help, I understand. It takes time to heal from such deplorable. In some cases, it may take a lifetime but the healing process is well worth.